We Can Choose How We Respond

I found out I was rejected from Stanford's Computer Science Ph.D. program on the morning I was leaving for my interview weekend at Stanford. Crazy, I know. Here's what led up to that moment.
 

February 7th, 2019 was a Thursday, but it was no ordinary Thursday. It was the day I would be departing for the Knight-Hennessy Scholars program’s Immersion Weekend at Stanford University. For those who have never heard of Stanford's Knight-Hennessy Scholars program, it's basically the equivalent of the University of Oxford's Rhodes Scholarship program, except less old. If you've never heard of either, they're prestigious international scholarship programs that enable scholars to pursue graduate study at Stanford and Oxford respectively.

Part 1: Becoming a Knight-Hennessy Scholars Program Finalist

I had applied to the Knight-Hennessy Scholars program at the recommendation of Dr. LaNitra Berger, the amazing Director of the Office of Fellowships at my alma mater, who also happens to be a Stanford alumna. Stanford wasn't even on my radar for graduate school, maybe because I didn't know much about the school to be interested (except that smart people go there and their mascot is a tree), but I decided to apply because the Knight-Hennessy Scholars program is a great opportunity. Long story short, I ended up being selected as a finalist and was invited to Stanford for Immersion Weekend with 149 other finalists from around the world. At Immersion Weekend finalists get to engage with Stanford in-person for two days, and participate in various individual and group exercises, some intended to be evaluative, and an individual interview. Me being a finalist was a huge deal, but I had no idea what a big deal it was until I found out later that the program had received 4,424 applications in total. Much to my surprise, I also woke up that morning to find my face on my school website's homepage behind the words "Stanford Scholarship Finalist" in big white letters.

Part 2: The Call

I lived on campus, but I had come home the night before and set my alarm to wake me up early because one of my many flaws is I always pack last minute, even for international trips. My flight for San Francisco was scheduled to depart at 12:10 PM, but I finished packing before 9 AM and was pretty proud of myself. After I finished packing, I realized I had missed a call, so I listened to the voicemail message and called back as requested. On the other end of the line was the voice of the Dean of Admissions for the Knight-Hennessy Scholars program telling me that he had just found out that Stanford's Computer Science department had made the decision to deny me admission, and they were going to send notifications that day. The department was supposed to wait until after Immersion Weekend, but he wasn't sure what happened, so he wanted to call me before I received the email. I remember seeing the email later that day. The decision automatically meant that I could not be selected as a Knight-Hennessy Scholar, but the Dean said I was still welcome to attend Immersion Weekend if I wanted to.

Part 3: How I Chose to Respond

I quickly thought about my options and because I was on my way out to the airport anyway, I made the decision that I was still going. I was not about to waste a free trip to California. Prior to receiving the call, I actually felt like I could be selected as a Knight-Hennessy Scholar. I was prepared, my mock interview had gone well, and I was confident in the application I submitted a few months earlier. I started the application process not knowing much about Stanford and got more and more invested in the school as I progressed through the application process, so I was bummed out that all my hard work and preparation was going to waste. After I hung up, I verbally uttered "DAAANNNNGGGG" out loud and immediately proceeded to text Dr. Berger to relay the news to her. As you can imagine, she was pretty disappointed (not in me of course), but she agreed that it was a "good idea to go out there," so I requested an uber a few minutes later and embarked on the journey ahead. I touched down in San Francisco later that evening and proceeded to the hotel the finalists were housed in for the weekend. All in all, I was let down by the news I received earlier that day, but I was still excited for the weekend ahead. I was ready to learn, and I was intent on seeing everything through including my interview, even though I already knew the outcome, so that's what I did.

Part 4: The Outcome of My Decision

The best part is I actually ended up having a great time. I met a lot of cool scholars, had some amazing conversations, learned about all sorts of topics, and picked up some nuggets of wisdom I still regularly recall today from John Hennessy, the distinguished Computer Scientist who served as the tenth President of Stanford. He also happens to be one of the authors of the textbook used for the Computer Architecture class I recently completed. It's pretty cool to read a textbook written by someone you have met and interacted with, but I digress. Going into my interview on Saturday, I was already aware that the professor on my interview panel was part of the Computer Science admissions committee, so he already knew about the decision. As I told Dr. Berger, I thought it would make for an "interesting interview" and perhaps make the experience a "little awkward" because the other interview panelists didn't know about the decision, but I was "still looking forward to it." When my time came, I did my interview and proceeded to enjoy the rest of the weekend. After returning home I let Dr. Berger know that overall “the visit was good. Got to see Stanford's beautiful campus and learn about the history of the school…Good experience all around, I'm really glad I went." To this day, I'm still glad I went.

Why This Story Now?

Now you may be thinking, why am I sharing this story during this time when COVID-19, racial injustice, and all sorts of chaos have taken over the headlines? My message is simple. In a time when everything seems to be out of our control, it's important to remember that we CAN still control how we respond. When I got that call on the morning of February 7th, 2019, the news I received was completely out of my control, but I had the choice to either mope in sadness, be salty at Stanford, or respond positively and be resilient. Now had I found out I was rejected from Stanford AFTER Immersion Weekend, I could handle that news no problem because I wasn't new to rejection. Rejection kind of becomes your friend when you submit countless applications. It's inevitable and out of our control, so I use it as an opportunity to work out my resilience muscle and focus on the bright side. You see, I received a gift from God that no other finalist had. I got to enjoy the weekend's packed schedule without the pressure of performing, and the nervousness of knowing that I was being watched over the weekend. I'm already a pretty calm person, but that weekend I was fully relaxed and immersed (see what I did there?) in the experience. I wasn't even answering the many text messages I was receiving, because I was SO focused on making the most out of every moment. Perhaps I got more out of the weekend than I would have had I not known I would be rejected, because I was cognizant of the fact that my presence at Immersion Weekend was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I even learned a lot about myself, like the fact that I will GLADLY sit through a talk about ocean research because the ocean is just so fascinating.

How Will You Respond?

Regarding COVID-19, there's not much we can control at the moment, but we can still choose to respond thoughtfully and exercise our resilience muscles. It's important that we acknowledge our emotions and take time to process them, but we must be careful not to get stuck there. I've seen countless Instagram posts and tweets canceling the year 2020, but canceling this year doesn't change the fact that we still have 50% of the year left. Personally, I still think this is going to be a great year, and I'm not worried. God is still on the throne, and as my dad always says, "suffering will not last forever." The reign of COVID-19 will eventually come to an end, we know this, but how you respond in the current storm could be the difference between you coming out stronger on the other side or coming out overwhelmed and stressed out for the rest of the year. I can't help but think of a quote that has guided my life for the past few years. It's one of Pastor Chuck Swindoll's famous quotes, and to paraphrase, "Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react." So how are you going to respond today? It's a choice you have to make every single day, multiple times a day, until we beat this thing, and even beyond that point.

How I'm Responding

As for me, I am choosing to publish this story to encourage YOU today. In writing and publishing this first message to the world, I am looking up to Queen Esther in the Bible. In the book of Esther, chapter 4 and verse 14, Mordecai (Esther's cousin who also happens to be the man who raised her), encourages her to risk her life to save her people, the Jews, saying: "For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (ESV). For such a time as this! I still don't really know why my Stanford rejection happened the way it did, but maybe, just maybe, it was meant for such a time as this. As a natural introvert, I just want to enjoy living in quarantine and not engage with the outside world, but God literally wouldn't let me sleep until I agreed to write this story. Given my identity as a Christ follower, we are called to "be the church" in times of crisis like this, so I'm jumping out of my comfort zone to do just that!
 

If you have any questions about this story, my grad school journey, my Knight-Hennessy experience, or anything else please feel free to reach out to me at borntoberadiant@gmail.com. Comments? Email me. Stay safe and healthy out there!

Rooting For You!

Doreen